Worshipping Through Grief

photo from boundless.org

Hello,

It has been way too long since I have posted. I am going to do better. Life always seems to get in the way. I am going to share something that is painful. I didn’t want to share it, but I have felt so compelled to share it. I wrote a draft post and refused to look at it again or finish it until now.

A lot has happened since I last posted in February. In August I had surgery to remove endometriosis. I have had pain and problems for years. One of those was infertility. We have been trying to have a baby since 2014. I had a miscarriage in 2015. We were unable to get pregnant after that. We were hopeful that this surgery would allow us to have a baby. It seems the surgery was successful, I’ve not had pain. In October, I found out I was pregnant.

We were so excited! Finally! My husband and I talked about names, we talked about how we were going to move things around to make a nursery, and we talked about how we hoped we would be good parents.

I never thought that another miscarriage was possible. I truly felt this time that we would get to hold our sweet baby! It was due in June of 2019. We even told our family over a special dinner.

I had to have blood tests right away since I have had a miscarriage before. I started to worry. The tests came back with levels too low. Then I had complications and that ended with me having a miscarriage. Even as I type this, the word makes me cringe. My greatest fear came true.

When I first found out that this pregnancy was not going well, I was devastated. Then I was angry and hurt. I remember driving home from work so mad at God, I cried red hot tears. I didn’t understand how He could let this happen. The one thing we have prayed for, for years, finally happened and now it was being ripped away.

After crying out in anger, I felt guilty for getting angry. Then I felt sad. This pregnancy was different than the first one. We had an early ultrasound. I got to see it. My husband and I felt so happy after the ultrasound. Less than a week later the baby was gone.

I was so sure that this time it would be okay. Finding out that the baby was gone, felt like being crushed by boulders. When my Mom dropped us off back home from the hospital, I completely broke. I was and still am heartbroken. I still don’t understand or know why. I just have to trust that this was for the best.

My Dad came and picked me up the next morning and took me to get some coffee and so I could get my car from my parents’ house. He mentioned David and what he did after the death of his child. Once I got home, I read 2 Samuel 12. David’s child with Bathsheba fell ill and died. When he heard that the child died, he got up, washed and anointed himself and went to the house of the Lord and worshiped. His servants were confused with David’s actions. They didn’t understand why when the child was sick David didn’t eat and mourned but when it died, he got up from his grieving bed. I love how David answered them.

2 Samuel 12:22-23 “And he said, while the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, who can tell whether God will be gracious to me that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.”

David did not stay in his grief. He knew that he would see his child again one day. He worshiped God. I have discovered that worship brings comfort. I took time to grieve. The day after I lost the baby, I went to church and was anointed. I wanted to be like David. I asked God at the beginning of this that He would get the glory.

Worship has been the key for me. Knowing God is good even when He doesn’t answer prayers the way we want has been a comfort as well. God is good, even though the things He allows bring me pain. Though he slay me, yet I will trust him. Job 13:15 I don’t understand why, but I chose to trust the Lord. I hope that I can help someone else.

I lost the baby October 27. It has been over a month now. I have my good days and bad days. Thanksgiving was hard and this month has been a little hard as well. We would have gotten to hear a heartbeat this month. Instead of hearing our sweet baby’s heartbeat, I have a broken heart. It is hard to not blame myself. There is a guilt that comes with a miscarriage. You think that there is something wrong with you. You think that if you would done this or not done that it wouldn’t have happened. Sweet friend, these are lies from the enemy to oppress you and destroy you. He wants nothing more than to use your grief as chains to keep you down. Satan wants to make you feel like this is your fault. This is not your fault. That is a lie straight from the pits of hell. These things happen because they just do. It isn’t comforting, but it is the truth. These things happen and we don’t understand why we may not until we get to Heaven.

Friend, if you are going through this or have gone through this, know this is NOT your fault. You are loved. You are not alone. When Satan tries to destroy you with lies about who you are, remember whose blood covers you and all sins. There is nothing that you can go through that will make God love you less. He loved you enough to give his only begotten son that we can have eternal life. Jesus overcame the world and He will help you overcome grief. Not every day will be perfect. You will have moments, sometimes out of nowhere that will bring you to your knees. Keep strong, keep holding on and keep trusting God.

Worship the Lord. Do not think that because you are broken you cannot worship. That is a lie from the enemy. Worship brings healing! I listed some of the songs that I have been worshiping to well sometimes ugly crying and worshiping.

Worship Playlist:

Trust in you- Lauren Daigle

Thy Will – Hillary Scott & Thr Scott Family

What a Beautiful Name – (Hillsong) Kari Jobe

You Say – Lauren Daigle

I Am Not Alone – Kari Jobe

Who You Say I am – Hillsong Worship

The Hurt & The Healer – Mercy Me

So Will I – (Hillsong Worship) Tori Kelly

Reckless Love – performed by Steffany Gretzinger

Living by Faith

Let me start off by saying that I fail God daily. Every. Single. Day. I. Fail. Him.

I don’t really know if this blog helps anyone else, but it helps me and it keeps me in check. I write a new post whenever God lays something on my heart. Usually it is on what I am dealing with or going through. God’s been working on me a lot here lately. I am thankful for that!

I have been lacking in my faith. I used to have so much faith but it seems here recently that my faith is lacking. I’ve been questioning myself as to why my faith is lacking. God hasn’t changed, so I know that isn’t it. He never changes. I started examining my life and trying to pinpoint exactly why, when and how it happened. What have I let get in the way? What has gotten in the way? The answer? Iva has gotten in the way. Iva has doubted God’s love. What does God’s love have to do with my faith? Everything. Faith doesn’t work without love. Galations 5:6 “For in Jesus Christ neither circumcision availeth any thing, nor uncircumcision; but faith which worketh by love.“

Faith works by love. At first I was confused by this. Utterly confused. I heard it explained like this. Imagine curtains. You have to have a rod to hang curtains. Try to hang curtains with the curtains on the hooks and not have a rod. The curtains will end up on the floor. Love is the rod that you hang your life on and faith are the hooks. When I heard this analogy, it was like a light bulb went ding ding ding! Bingo! Yatzee! Here it is Iva. Here is your answer. Deep down I have been doubting God’s love for me. I know. Stupid, right?

When I got up the morning that this all me I was in a horrible mood. Some possibly bad news had been given to my husband the day before. I was angry that God would give something then take it away especially something we needed. I drove to work angry. I was moody and grumpy at work and then out of no where the song Living by Faith came to my mind. Living by faith in Jesus above. Trusting confiding in His great love; from all harm safe in His sheltering arm, I’m living by faith and feel no alarm. I love when that happens. God always puts a song on my mind right when I need it. I looked up the hymn and read all the lyrics. I am a lyric nerd. I have trouble with lyrics. Just ask my husband. I sing songs around the house all the time and if I don’t know the lyrics I make them up. Kyle calls me out on it and I say I was just freestylin. Because of this, I like to look up what the lyrics actually are to songs that pop in my head. I also like to hear the song so I typed in Living by Faith on YouTube. I listened to the song and in the suggestions was a message by a preacher named Creflo Dollar. I listened to it and I was blessed. I highly recommended that you watch it. You can listen to it here: The Just shall live by faith

There are 4 verses in the bible that specifically say the just shall live by faith. If it says it 4 times you know it is important!

Habakkuk 2:4 “Behold, his soul which is lifted up is not upright in him: but the just shall live by faith.”

Romans 1:17 “For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith.”

Galatians 3:11 “But no man is justified by the law in the sight of God, it is evident: for, The just shall live by faith.”

Hebrews 10:38 “Now the just shall live by faith: but if any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him.”

So we know the just shall live by faith but what does that mean exactly? What is faith by definition? Merriam-Webster says it is: (1) allegiance to duty or a person: loyalty; belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2)belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion: firm belief in something for which there is no proof: complete trust (3) something that is believed especially with strong conviction; without question.

What is the biblical definition of faith? Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

Faith is the substance (stuff or essence or base) of the things we hope for but have not actually seen. The bible tell us to walk by faith. (2 Corinthians 5:7) We are to live our lives by love and faith. We need love to have faith. Faith is the belief in God’s love for us. God loves me and I am confident that he will provide for me. He loves me and that is why I have faith in Him and His ability to take care of me. He loves me so much that he would send His only begotten son to die on a cross, bare the sin of the world so that we all could go to Heaven if we accept Christ in our hearts.

I listened to lies from Satan. He is good at his job. Satan will whisper lies. Things like, God isn’t going to take care of you, God will not do that, don’t count on God to make that happen, God doesn’t love you, God won’t forgive you, God can’t use you because you failed, God can’t use you because you’re different, God doesn’t care about you having a car, God doesn’t care about you having a house and so many other lies straight outta the pits of hell. We start to lose our confidence. We doubt ourselves and we doubt God’s love. Hebrews 10:35 “Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.”

Satan will attack your confidence. He will remind you of past mistakes, shortcomings and failures to get your state of mind to make you feel like you are under God’s judgement instead of the blood.  It will make you think that God won’t help you because of something you did in the past. That is not true. If you are a born again Christian, you are under the blood! Yes we will fail and fall short. When you do you can go to God in prayer and ask for forgiveness and he will lift you up.

When you pray, pray with the confidence that God will do what you have asked Him. I think faith and confidence go together. I sit in my chair because I am confident it will hold me. Because God loves me, he will provide for me. Phillipians 4:19 “But God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” The bible says it right there. He will provide my need according to HIS riches in glory. All that I have is His. Anything that I get it His. I just get to borrow it.

I love when God takes the veil off so that I can see the things I need to. I don’t know if anyone else ever feels or has felt the way that I had been but this helped me. God loves His children. He will take care of us. That doesn’t mean we won’t have trials or hard times. This means that God will provide for us when we need it.

God I ask that you would lift the veil off those who need it lifted off so that their eyes can see what you need them to see through your word. Help those today who may be struggling and those whose faith is being tested. Give them the strength they need to endure and let them feel your loving arms. I ask all these things in your name. Amen.

May all of you have a blessed Easter. He is risen!! Today is Friday… but Sunday is coming!!

Love from above, Iva Mae

P.S. I apologize if this post seemed scatter brained. It took me 3 days to finish this.

 

His Eye is On The Sparrow

His Eye is on the Sparrow by Civillia Martin

Why should I feel discouraged? And why should the shadows come? And why should my heart be lonely? And long for Heaven and home? When Jesus is my portion. My constant friend is he. His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.I sing because I’m happy. I sing because I’m free! His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.

Let not your heart be troubled. His tender word I hear. And resting on His goodness I lose my doubts and fears. Though by the path He leads us but one step I may see. His eye is on the sparrows and I know He watches me. And Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.I sing because I’m happy. I sing because I’m free! His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.

Whenever I am tempted. Whenever clouds arise. When songs give place to sighing. When hope within me dies, I draw closer to Him. From care He sets me free! His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me. I sing because I’m happy! I sing because I’m free! His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.

I never paid attention to the lyrics of this song. It was one of those songs I never paid attention to at all. I don’t even know how I stumbled across this song and the story. I read the lyrics. REALLY read the lyrics. Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come? Why should my heart be lonely? When Jesus IS my portion and a constant friend is He.

Those words stuck out to me. Why have I been so discouraged when Jesus is my portion. No job, no person, no wealth, no fame and no material thing can make me happy. My joy comes from the Lord. I read the story of how Mrs. Martin wrote the song. She met a sweet old couple, the Doolittles. Both the Doolittles were in bad shape. Mrs. Doolittle had been bedridden for almost 20 years. Mr. Doolittle was wheelchair bound, an incurable cripple. They were both happy Christians even though they had it bad off. Mrs. Martin’s husband commented on the couple’s hopefulness and asked what the secret was. Mr. Doolittle said, His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me. The Martins were touched by the faith and the simpleness of Mr. Doolittle’s answer. His answer inspired the song that Mrs. Martin wrote that night.

I have been feeling so alone and so discouraged. Hearing this song reminded me that I need not be discouraged. I really like the 3rd verse of the song, Whenever I am tempted. Whenever clouds arise. When songs give place to sighing. When hope within me dies, I draw closer to Him. From care He sets me free! When songs give place to sighing really really stuck out to me. I shouldn’t only sing when I am happy. I should sing through the pain, the trials, the sadness, the joy, the happy times and ALL the times because God has given me that capability to sing praises to Him. My Daddy preached a message a couple of weeks ago about this very thing. He said we can’t lose our song.He preached about how he helped me tare up some carpet and how I was singing. He said that I didn’t my song even though I had gone through so much. Our song leader sang His Eye is on the Sparrow and I was so touched. I love when God speaks to me. He speaks to us in many different ways. He speaks to us through His people, like preachers, and He speaks to us through songs. Songs have always spoken to me. I love lyrics. I read them and I try to study them and think about their meanings.

Psalms 100:1 &2 Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands. Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.

I am always singing around the house and in my car. I challenge you to really read the lyrics of your favorite song and to think about the meaning. It will really bless you!

 

Love from above,

Iva Mae

God’s Will?

I recently read a verse in my bible that reached out of the page and slapped me. It cut me. It made me angry because I knew it was true.

The verse was 1 Thessalonians 5:18 “In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

I read that and thought oh yah?!? Really?!?! I should be thankful for all the crap we have been going through recently?! This is stupid! I am not thankful for this pain, the burdens, the worrying or anything else! I was angry. I was not happy. I was full of rage. My husband was upset and feeling down and when he hurts I feel the pain. I hate to seem him upset. It kills me. I just wanted to hold him and take all the pain away and make it better but I couldn’t.

I couldn’t understand why God would allow us to have our “bottom” fall out. One thing after another kept happening. I got pregnant then lost the baby. Kyle left his job of 2 years for another job that was supposed to give great benefits and supposed to be great, and it wasn’t. My car decided that it no longer wanted to be alive and started falling apart and we didn’t have the money to fix it. My husband was struggling with not feeling like he was a provider and feeling upset about his job situation. The devil had launched a full blown attack on our home and I was angry at God for it. Even writing this makes me feel embarrassed that I was mad at the wrong person. It’s like DUH IVA!! Hello McFly!!

That is what Satan does. He uses smoke and mirrors to distract us. He is really good at his job. We have to be ready for him. We’re constantly in war. He will do whatever he can to destroy us from doing what we are called to do for God. He doesn’t want us to succeed. He wants to use our failures, past sins, downfalls and mistakes as ways to keep us from moving forward. He will bring up the past and make you feel like God can’t forgive you of your sins. John 10:10 “The thief (Satan) cometh not, but to steal, and to kill and to destroy…”

The bible clearly states that Satan has come to steal. He will steal things like your joy, your peace of mind, your happiness, your health, your finances and whatever else he can get his grimy nasty claws on. He will kill your ministry, your relationships, and try to take your life.He ultimately wants to destroy you.

The second part of John 10:10 says …I (Christ) have come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

Jesus died for us so that we could live. He was tortured and beaten for you and me. He performed miracles, including calming the raging sea.

I’ve seen little pictures and blurbs around the internet that say Jesus either calms the storm or he calms his child. I think that sometimes he does both.

I’ve always loved the stories in the bible where Jesus calmed the storms. They are some of my favorite ones. Matthew 8:23-27 talks about such an instance. Verse 24 says “And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep.”

I love that last part, but he was asleep. The storms were raging, the boat was filling with water, fears were high, there was chaos all around and Jesus was asleep. The next verse talks about how the disciples awoke him and said Jesus save us!!! He immediately said (vs 26)”…Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm.”

Sometimes it seems like God doesn’t see what we are going through. It feels like he doesn’t care and that he is a million miles away. That isn’t true. He does care and he will help you through these storms and give you the strength you need to get through. Sometimes he is quiet. I’ve always heard that a teacher is quiet during a test.

When I was about 5 years old, I was outside swinging on my swing set like most 5 year old girls like to do. I probably had a stuffed animal and had been picking dandelions. A drunk man came from the back of our property and came up close to the house where I was swinging. He didn’t say anything. He just looked at me and my danger alarms started going off. I started screaming to the top of my lungs for my Daddy. My mom came out and the guy kept walking and walked down the road. My Dad wasn’t there, he was at church that evening. Even though my Daddy wasn’t there, I wanted him because I knew he would keep me safe. He went through the park minutes later when he got back home and kicked ever beer can he could find looking for that man.

When I was about 6 we went Easter egg hunting in the park. My Daddy took me and they lined all of the kids up on the spray painted line. They blew the whistle signaling the start of the hunt. All the kids took off. I did too because I was so excited to get some candy and stickers. That didn’t happen though. Most of the kids started pushing and shoving other kids. Every egg I reached for someone took. Someone even took an egg right out of my hand. My Daddy came over to me and grabbed my hand and walked me back to the truck and we went home. He had enough of that and he could see me getting upset.

God is that way too. He sees what we’ve gone through. Just because he doesn’t come when you first call for him to save you doesn’t mean that he doesn’t hear you or that he doesn’t care. Daddys are good for holding our hands and holding us making us feel safe. Even to this day I still feel that love and that his arms are a safe place to be when he hold me.

God answered mine and Kyle’s prayers and our bottom isn’t falling out anymore. All the hardships and all the tears shed and the worry and fear and anger is mostly gone. We always worry a little too much about some things, but for the most part God has given us that peace that passeth all understanding. There isn’t understanding sometimes.

My husband Kyle got an opportunity to work for a Christian man. This man and his wife are wonderful people. He gets to work with two other guys who are also Christians. They pray before going to work and get devotions to read. God laid this job in our laps. I love divine plans. His timing is truly perfect. I also got a new car thanks to my parents. They are amazing and bless me. God has blessed us so much! The other prayer that we have been praying about, a baby, hasn’t happened yet but if it is God’s will it will. It will be perfect as well.

May God bless you all!

Iva Mae

 

 

 

 

Don’t Give Up

I thought for sure by now that God would have answered my prayers. I don’t even know where to begin with where life has taken me these past few months. I’ve been desperately wanting something. Praying for something and it hasn’t happened.

I was reading my daily devotion today and it was like my eyes were opened it and I felt a peace. I’m reading Elisha: A Tale of Ridiculous Faith in my Bible Ap. I love it! I get something out of every day’s devotion. Today’s was on a miracle of Elisha. 2 miracles happened in this section of scripture I was reading (2 Kings 4:3-37). 1. Elisha told the Shunammite woman she would have a baby 2. Elisha brought the child back to life when he had died.

I’ve read this story many times. I failed to notice that it took Elisha 2x to bring the child back to life. I’ve never noticed that before. The devotional content talked about the fact that it didn’t happen the first time Elisha tried to bring the child back to life. It asked, how many times have we been in Elisha’s position? We’ve prayed and asked God for something knowing that he would do it, but it hasn’t happened yet. It may not happen for months or years. Don’t give up or lose heart! Just because you aren’t successful the first time doesn’t mean that God will not answer your prayer! God knows best and he knows what the best timing would be for what you have asked for.

I have wanted a baby for a long time. When people would ask me when my husband and I were going to have kids, I’d just give the answer that my dog was my baby and he was the only baby I needed. In my heart I was angry that someone would ask. I felt like they were saying I wasn’t whole without a baby but truth was that, that was how I felt. I felt like I wasn’t whole. It has taken me some time to realize that even if I never have  a baby, God makes me whole. It is God who completes me.

A few weeks ago I went to the alter because God was dealing with me about me being angry. I was angry for several reasons. 1. I wanted a baby. 2. I was pregnant but not long after I knew I was I lost it. I didn’t understand why God would take something from me that I wanted so badly. All of my cousins had babies. Most of my friends had them as well and I couldn’t understand why they could but I couldn’t.

I told my Daddy at the alter why I wanted to pray. He said baby, remember Hannah. He anointed me and asked God to give me the desires of my heart. It still has happened yet, but I am not giving up! I haven’t shared this with anyone but my close friends and my immediate family. I hate sharing my feelings because I hate when people feel sorry for you. I hate that! Don’t judge me, it is just the way that I am. I felt compelled to share this because I have read 3 different things about waiting for something that you have asked God for. I think a lot people are in similar situations. They may not be in the exact same situation but are in a waiting period in their lives.

If you are in a waiting period, do not give up. Don’t be angry at God. Realize that He knows what is best for us and in Hid timing our prayers will be answered. For now cling onto that hope from Psalms 37:4. Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

This is the verse I am praying and clinging to.

May God Bless you!

Love from above,

Iva Mae

Waiting in the Hallway

Waiting is hard. Especially if you have been waiting for something for a long time.

I told my Mom today I don’t know why I get my hopes up for something when it is never going to happen. She said something that struck me.

She said “It’s hard to be in the hallway waiting for a window or a door to open…BUT Praise him for what you have now.”

It really is hard to wait in the hallway and see doors that look like they will open but don’t. For a moment you’re thrilled and excited and you think this is it!!!

…But it isn’t. The door doesn’t open.

This has happened to me several times in the past few years. I have been praying for God to move and it just hasn’t happened yet. I’m getting worn and impatient. It is hard to wait when you want something so badly. I’ve been angry and sad. I can’t understand why that when God knows I am unhappy and miserable that he hasn’t moved yet. I don’t think I’m supposed to understand. I’m simply just supposed to wait.

Sometimes we go through things and we don’t understand them. It is just God protecting us from something that is not His will. I’ve always prayed that His will, not mine be done. His will is best for me and I know that, sometimes I just get tired and grouchy. I become a bratty child.

I don’t know how God puts up with me sometimes! Sometimes I can’t stand to be around myself!!! Seriously!

I woke up this morning with Psalms 62 on my mind. Psalms 62:5 “My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.”

How do I know that what I’ve been wanting might be the worst possible thing for me or what problems in my life it could cause. Writing this reminds me of when my husband was looking for a job a few years back. He found a position that required him to attend training sessions for the job. After the second day he told me he was never going back because they wanted him to lie to the elderly and be dishonest about problems so that the company could get more money. I was so proud of him for doing that.

I was reminded of this so that I could see that what I wanted may end up being like that. Not what you want at all and completely wrong and unethical. My husband refused to take a position that would require him to be dishonest and misleading. That was the right choice! It didn’t matter how much money they said he would make he chose to do what was right by him and by God.

Today I choose to be thankful for a prayer that hasn’t been answered. I know in God’s timing everything will work itself out and God will open up a door that no one else can. Like my Mom said, I will be thankful for what I have now. I am blessed!

On another note, I was anointed at church on Sunday for some of the health issues I’ve been dealing with and today is the first day in a long time that my stomach hasn’t hurt or bothered me. I am especially thankful for that!!! I’ve been sticking with a no dairy no meat diet for over a week. I’m prod of myself. Last night I even made some Vegan Mac n’ Cheese. It was pretty good last night but it was better today!

I encourage you to wait on God for whatever it is you’re praying for. Don’t be discouraged when he doesn’t answer right away or doesn’t give you the answer you want. Remember that God answers things in His timing. PERFECT timing and it will be better than what you imagined.

Love from above,

Iva Mae

Romans 12:1

  
Some of you may agree with me and others may not. That is okay. I’m not writing this for a debate or to cause controversy. I am simply writing what is on my heart. 

Romans 12:1 …present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you , which he have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s. 

Lately I have been having some digestive health problems. I learned a few months that when I cut out dairy and meat, I didn’t have problems. I was okay with that but I struggled with it because it made me different than others. I struggle a lot with being different than everyone else. It’s dumb really. I hate sticking out or having attention being drawn on me. It freaks me out! 

I decided the other day I didn’t want to have to eat differently. I wanted to be able to order a pizza, eat it and be okay. My Mom and I were working on the finishing touches of my cousins shower invitations and we were hungry so we ordered a pizza from Papa Johns. It used to be my favorite pizza. I love their breadsticks and garlic sauce. We ordered a small and breadsticks, so we split the pizza and each ate some breadsticks. We finished the invitations and she took me home. ( I walked to her house with my dog because it’s less than a mile) 

When I got home, I got so sick! I was so sick I felt like my insides were dying. I knew why. I ate cheese. It looked so good and it tasted amazing but I knew I shouldn’t have eaten it. I knew it wasn’t good for me. The reason I became Vegan a few months back, was for ,my health. I knew better but I couldn’t resist. 

In the above verses it talks about presenting your body as a living sacrifice and that your body is a temple. I didn’t treat mine that way. I am now suffering the consequences. I am still having a lot of problems and my face has broken out so badly with deep painful pimples. This happens when I eat dairy of any kind. 

I don’t think that by doing something like eating pizza is a sin but I knew what it would do to me and I did it anyway. How many times have we done that with other aspects in life? It looks so good and we know it’s wrong but we do it anyway. Sex before marriage will cause a lot of problems. There is pleasure in sin for a season. Then you have to reap the consequences. 

I have been feeling convicted about the way I treat myself. I haven’t been taking care of myself or loving me. I have been so negative about my body image for gaining weight and have eaten poorly because I was upset about my weight. Really dumb I know.  I need to start looking at myself the way God does and loving myself enough to take care of myself. It’s not easy going Vegan. I struggled with what to eat and what to look for in ingredients. It’s not easy but in the end it will be worth it because it is what is best for me. 

By the way, labels lie. They say dairy free but when you read the ingredients, turns out it has a milk product in it. 

I know this post is very different from what I normally post but I just felt lead to share what I am currently going through  after speaking with a friend today about this. 

I am going to try to start exercising and eating healthier so that I can treat my body the way it deserves to be treated. After all our bodies are to be presented as a living sacrifice and those who are saved, are the temples of the Holy Ghost. 

I will try to be more diligent with posts. My lap top is broken and I don’t have a computer so I am using my iPad and I hate typing posts with this thing!  Hopefully one day I can replace my lap top. 

Love from above,

Iva Mae ❤

Broken </3

We hear the word broken and typically the first thing that comes to mind is – “How are we gonna fix it?” or “How are we going to replace it?”

We have broken cars, washers, refrigerators, lawn mowers, plumbing, bones, lives, families, hearts, dreams  and homes.

What is the actual definition of broken? Is it something so far gone that it cannot be fixed? It is something meant to be left broken or is it meant to be fixed?

According to Oxford Dictionary Broken is:

1. having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order:

synonyms: smashed · shattered · fragmented · splintered · crushed

1. (a person) having given up all hope; despairing:synonyms: defeated · beaten · subdued · demoralized · dispirited

So broken is something damaged. It can be something that isn’t whole (one piece), It can be shattered, crushed, smashed or splintered. It can be something that no longer works. It can even be someone who has given up.

Recently my husband and I both have broken bones. I broke my toe and he broke his finger. I was angry when I broke my toe. I was so angry. It was an accident. Accidents happen but I didn’t want something like that to happen to me. I have too many things to do and I couldn’t walk as fast and could barely walk at all. I thought how could something so small cause me so many problems? My husband went roughly through the same thing. He couldn’t put his boots on or take them off. He found himself frustrated that he wasn’t physically able to do something. Both of us have had a lot of physical pain associated with these breaks.

I found myself really behind on my housework, laundry, dishes and everything else. My house was a mess and still kind of is. All of that got me thinking about how our bodies work. My toe is a small member of my body but when it is broken, my entire body and life suffers. The same goes with the body of Christ. When a member is broken, no matter how small, it is noticeable and until there is healing the whole body will suffer.

When a person is broken that doesn’t mean we need to fix them or that they are no longer worth saving. Jesus came to save the world and provide healing to those who are broken. God tells us so in His word. Isiah 53:5 “He was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.”

When we are broken we need rest. We need God to pick up the pieces and make them whole again. Our church had a revival a few weeks ago. I was only able to make it to one night. The night I went, the preacher preached about being broken by things we allow into our lives and by circumstances. He had a flower pot and spun it around in his hands and threw it up and caught it. He said we allow more and more things into lives and we let our vessel get loose. The next thing you know your vessel ends up so loose that it falls from your hands and breaks. He threw the pot behind him and it broke into many pieces. He said you can try and try to pick up the pieces but you can’t. He also said you can’t be used when you are a broken vessel. God won’t use a broken vessel. (One reason when members of the body of Christ are broken the whole body suffers)

The only way to get whole again is to get down on your knees and ask God to heal you and forgive you and to help you. He got down on his knees as he said this. He said God will pick up your pieces and he will put you back together again. He held up a new pot for us all to see what God can do with our lives and vessels.

At the time I was struggling with many things and I felt so convicted over his message. I had been broken for a long time and had not gone to God for my healing. The preacher went on to say that we could have broken marriages, lives, vessels, witnesses, homes whatever and that God would heal it. I felt so overwhelmed with the Holy Spirit telling me to go to the alter and ask for forgiveness and healing. I am glad that I did because I walked away feeling whole again. I walked away with hope and with a renewed heart and soul.

Sometimes we have to be broken to be made whole. God can make you whole. He can restore you and revive you. He will pick up your pieces and put you back together. It may be painful. The healing may be a process like the healing of a broken bone, but don’t give up!!! Keep praying, keep reading, keep trusting and keep the faith!

Whatever is broken in your life whether it be; your marriage, your heart, your life, your mind, your spirit, your witness, your finances, your body – come to Jesus and ask for a healing. If you’ve let sin slip into your life, come to Jesus. He will give you healing and forgiveness.

I always feel awkward writing a prayer but I need to do what is on my heart.

God,

I ask that you speak to the hearts of those who read this. I ask that you would provide healing in whatever aspect of life that it is needed. I ask you to give them a renewal of their hearts, souls and minds. I thank you for what you’ve done and what you will do. I ask that you flood each person’s life who reads this with your love. God we know you are exceeding and able to do all things and we know that you will. I ask that if someone is reading this and they used to be on fire for you that you would stir up their hearts and start a fire in them again. I ask you to give peace and comfort and joy to those who are without it. Lord we ask that if there is someone reading this who doesn’t know you, that they will come to know you. Use us Lord and let us be your vessels. I ask all these things in your name, Amen.

My hope for you is that you will come to the well that never goes dry and that you will get what you need.

Love from above,

Iva Mae

Unworthy

FOREVER by Kari Jobe

The moon and stars they wept
The morning sun was dead
The Savior of the world was fallen
His body on the cross
His blood poured out for us
The weight of every curse upon him

One final breath He gave
As Heaven looked away
The Son of God was laid in darkness
A battle in the grave
The war on death was waged
The power of hell forever broken

The ground began to shake
The stone was rolled away
His perfect love could not be overcome
Now death where is your sting
Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated

Forever, He is glorified
Forever, He is lifted high
Forever, He is risen
He is alive
He is alive

I love that song! The words are so beautiful and it reminds me exactly what God did for us on Calvary. Speaking of Calvary, Easter Season is upon us. A time for us to reflect on God’s love for us. A love so great that he would send his only son to die on a cross and bare the world’s sins when he was without sin. A perfect lamb, the supreme sacrifice to make a way to Heaven for all of us who are unworthy of such a gift. A gift that is free.

I read Romans 5:8 yesterday. It reminded me how unworthy I truly am of God’s love.

Romans 5:8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

I like to look up words that I don’t quite know the meaning of. According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, commend means: 1. to praise in a serious & often public way; to mention as deserving attention or approval. 2. to entrust for care or preservation 3. to recommend as worthy of 4. to mention with approbation (praise).

To me this verse says God showed us his love by giving his son as a sacrifice for our sins and thought we were worthy of His love even though we were sinners. It makes me feel so unworthy to know that God has a love for us that big!

I read in Lamentations today about mercy. According to Merriam-Webster mercy is 1.kind or forgiving treatment of someone who could be treated harshly. 2. compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or one subject to one’s power.

Lamentations 3:22&23 It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

God is also a merciful God! He is merciful when we fail him. He was merciful on us and gave us a way out of our sin. He gave us a way to go to Heaven when he didn’t have to. All we have to do is accept His Son Jesus as our savior, believe that he died for our sins, rose again on the third day, confess our sins and ask for forgiveness of those sins. It is so simple that sometimes it seems unbelievable. How can such a big God give his son for me? I didn’t do anything to deserve it. In fact it is quite the opposite. I’ve done lots of things that didn’t deserve once ounce of mercy. Thank God it is not what I’ve done or didn’t do. It is what God did! What Christ did for us. A willing sacrifice.

I don’t feel that words can describe the gratitude and love I feel for Christ’s ultimate act of love. I’ve been feeling even more unworthy lately. I have slipped in my reading and prayer life and have put God on the back burner. I have stumbled and said things that I’ve regretted. I have not have God’s love for people and I have had an ultimately bad attitude about everything. Basically I have been fighting with my flesh. The ugly side, the side that wants to do what I want and who cares about anything else. I’ve been mad at God for some really stupid reasons! Just dumb. My husband didn’t get his Christmas bonus like we expected and we didn’t get a tax return like we expected either. We  got a check from an excess in our escrow account and it was a mistake. I got a letter saying we needed to send it back. I was mad at God for those things and even questioned why would you let this happen to us? Why? We needed that money! God reminded me yesterday that even though I think I need something that doesn’t mean that I truly do. He will always provide for us. He gives us exactly what we need.

One of our bills was unexpectedly high and it was going to overdraw our account if I paid it. I was just going to pay it with a credit card which I didn’t want to do. I prayed and asked God to please make a way and somehow help us to cover the costs even though I doubted that he would. I called our mortgage company about the letter I received asking to return the funds. I needed to know who to write the check to. After speaking to her she apologized and said there was a computer glitch and it messed a lot of people’s accounts up. She said I’ll make a note that you are going to send the funds back and the amount you need to send back is $XXX.XX. She explained to me that they gave us all the money from our escrow and it zeroed our account out. If I sent the amount she said back it will be enough to cover the shortage in the account.

She told me who to write the check to and made sure I knew to include some things in the check so they would know what to do with it. After I hung up I subtracted the amount that I was returning from the amount of the check we got and low and behold it was just enough for the bill that we got that was unexpectedly high.

I was overwhelmed with God’s love. I felt so undeserving of that after I had been so upset and angry. God will always provide for his children even though we don’t always deserve it.

I thank God for unexpected blessings and for unexpected bills. God is showing me more and more how much I need him. He doesn’t need me, I need him.! I thank God for the cross, for sending his son to die for me so that I could go to Heaven one day. I thank him for providing for me always and for his reminders. I thank God for his mercy, love, grace and understanding.

This week as you think of what the Easter Bunny may bring, don’t forget to reflect on what Easter is truly about and God’s love for us. Even though we were unworthy, God said yes we are worthy. It should have been you and me on that cross. We were the ones deserving of punishment. Christ went to the cross willingly and died for us because of His love for us.

A song I love is “Small as I am” by Nathan & Tonya Horton. It has been on replay on my phone. The words are awesome and describe how I feel.

SMALL AS I AM by Nathan & Tonya Horton

May God bless you this week and may you feel his overwhelming love!

Love from above,

Iva Mae

Here are a few of my favorite songs that go along with this post:

Forever by Kari Jobe https://youtu.be/huFra1mnIVE

Small as I am by Nathan & Tonya Horton Scroll down to Our Testimony CD and the song is #4. You can actually purchase this song and/or the album from this site as well.  http://nathanandtonyahorton.com/store

Alive (from the Story) by Natalie Grant https://youtu.be/3AFpgzjRD44

Not Guilty by Mandisa https://youtu.be/S7fokl9riJ0

It Is Well

So let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name.

2 Kings 4:26 Run now, I pray thee, to meet her, and say unto her, Is it well with thee? is it well with thy husband? is it well with the child? And she answered, It is well.

I love the story in 2 Kings 4. My summary of the story in 2 Kings 4 is this:

Elisha the prophet went through the town of Shunam quite a bit. A Shunammite woman always offered bread to Elisha when he would pass by. He came that way so much that her and her husband made him a bed at their house for him to stay when he came by that way. The man and woman found favor in Elisha’s eyes. Elisha told them she would have a son within the year and she did just like he said. When he was older, he fell ill and died. The Shunammite woman laid him on Elisha’s bed in their house and got on a donkey to go to Elisha. Her husband asked why she was going to see Elisha and she answered IT IS WELL. When she got close, Elisha saw her and sent his servant to get her. Elisha’s servant asked if everything was okay she replied IT IS WELL. Even thought her little son had died, she said it is well. She fell before Elisha’s feet. He knew something was wrong and she was “vexed in her soul”. She asked him did she not desire a son and to not deceive her. Elisha knew something was wrong with her son so he and the woman traveled back to her house, where he saw the boy was dead. He prayed to God & the child came back to life.

What gets me about this story, is that the Shunammite woman continually said IT IS WELL. Her circumstances were horrible. She lost the son that God had given her, but she refused to let that bring her down. I’ve said it before but attitude can make such a HUGE difference in your life.

I think sometimes in life we focus so much on the circumstances. We become blinded by all the bad things, unhappiness and the negativity that we forget that God can help us. We take on a poor attitude and outlook (I’m so guilty of this). The Shunammite woman was heartbroken! Her son that she never expected to have had died. Loosing a child would be devastating. She knew the only way she would get through and the only way to get help was to go to the man of God.

My soul has been weary and unsettled. I just feel burnt out and exhausted. I have had a bad attitude and have been in a bad overall mood for a long time. I was praying this morning, God please help me in my time of unhappiness and heartache I can’t take this anymore! The song It Is Well With My Soul came to mind. I LOVE when God speaks to me like that. I started singing it to myself. Then I looked it up on YouTube because I couldn’t remember the words. I am horrible with remembering words to songs! I listened to the Hymn version and saw a video It Is Well by Kristene DiMarco & Bethel Music. I listened to it and was just overwhelmed with peace. I loved the line “So let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name.” It just spoke to me. No matter how the storms may rage in my life God still has power over them! The winds and oceans have to obey God. He is in control and I can say IT IS WELL!

I have a hard time of letting go sometimes. I try to take things on myself. I am strong-willed and independent. I hate for anyone to do something for me, I’d rather just do it myself. I struggle a lot with letting go and letting God handle my circumstances. In the past few years I’ve learned more and more how to do this. I just feel like I’m burdening God with things that are silly or don’t matter. God cares about me and he cares about what I am going through. He loves us. He loves us so much, he gave his ONLY son to die on a cross for OUR sins. We just have to get over ourselves and surrender to him. Even though circumstances haven’t changed, I know God can change them. If he doesn’t, he will get me through! I know God hears my prayers! There is peace in that alone. Through it all I am going to say IT IS WELL!!

Below is a link to the YouTube version of It Is Well by Kristene DiMarco & Bethel Music as well as a link to It Is Well (Elisha’s Song) by the Isaacs

God bless!

Iva Mae

It Is Well by Kristene DiMarco & Bethel Music

https://youtu.be/YNqo4Un2uZI

It Is Well (Elisha’s Song) by The Isaacs

https://youtu.be/w87KlbHCZJw