Worshipping Through Grief

photo from boundless.org

Hello,

It has been way too long since I have posted. I am going to do better. Life always seems to get in the way. I am going to share something that is painful. I didn’t want to share it, but I have felt so compelled to share it. I wrote a draft post and refused to look at it again or finish it until now.

A lot has happened since I last posted in February. In August I had surgery to remove endometriosis. I have had pain and problems for years. One of those was infertility. We have been trying to have a baby since 2014. I had a miscarriage in 2015. We were unable to get pregnant after that. We were hopeful that this surgery would allow us to have a baby. It seems the surgery was successful, I’ve not had pain. In October, I found out I was pregnant.

We were so excited! Finally! My husband and I talked about names, we talked about how we were going to move things around to make a nursery, and we talked about how we hoped we would be good parents.

I never thought that another miscarriage was possible. I truly felt this time that we would get to hold our sweet baby! It was due in June of 2019. We even told our family over a special dinner.

I had to have blood tests right away since I have had a miscarriage before. I started to worry. The tests came back with levels too low. Then I had complications and that ended with me having a miscarriage. Even as I type this, the word makes me cringe. My greatest fear came true.

When I first found out that this pregnancy was not going well, I was devastated. Then I was angry and hurt. I remember driving home from work so mad at God, I cried red hot tears. I didn’t understand how He could let this happen. The one thing we have prayed for, for years, finally happened and now it was being ripped away.

After crying out in anger, I felt guilty for getting angry. Then I felt sad. This pregnancy was different than the first one. We had an early ultrasound. I got to see it. My husband and I felt so happy after the ultrasound. Less than a week later the baby was gone.

I was so sure that this time it would be okay. Finding out that the baby was gone, felt like being crushed by boulders. When my Mom dropped us off back home from the hospital, I completely broke. I was and still am heartbroken. I still don’t understand or know why. I just have to trust that this was for the best.

My Dad came and picked me up the next morning and took me to get some coffee and so I could get my car from my parents’ house. He mentioned David and what he did after the death of his child. Once I got home, I read 2 Samuel 12. David’s child with Bathsheba fell ill and died. When he heard that the child died, he got up, washed and anointed himself and went to the house of the Lord and worshiped. His servants were confused with David’s actions. They didn’t understand why when the child was sick David didn’t eat and mourned but when it died, he got up from his grieving bed. I love how David answered them.

2 Samuel 12:22-23 “And he said, while the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, who can tell whether God will be gracious to me that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.”

David did not stay in his grief. He knew that he would see his child again one day. He worshiped God. I have discovered that worship brings comfort. I took time to grieve. The day after I lost the baby, I went to church and was anointed. I wanted to be like David. I asked God at the beginning of this that He would get the glory.

Worship has been the key for me. Knowing God is good even when He doesn’t answer prayers the way we want has been a comfort as well. God is good, even though the things He allows bring me pain. Though he slay me, yet I will trust him. Job 13:15 I don’t understand why, but I chose to trust the Lord. I hope that I can help someone else.

I lost the baby October 27. It has been over a month now. I have my good days and bad days. Thanksgiving was hard and this month has been a little hard as well. We would have gotten to hear a heartbeat this month. Instead of hearing our sweet baby’s heartbeat, I have a broken heart. It is hard to not blame myself. There is a guilt that comes with a miscarriage. You think that there is something wrong with you. You think that if you would done this or not done that it wouldn’t have happened. Sweet friend, these are lies from the enemy to oppress you and destroy you. He wants nothing more than to use your grief as chains to keep you down. Satan wants to make you feel like this is your fault. This is not your fault. That is a lie straight from the pits of hell. These things happen because they just do. It isn’t comforting, but it is the truth. These things happen and we don’t understand why we may not until we get to Heaven.

Friend, if you are going through this or have gone through this, know this is NOT your fault. You are loved. You are not alone. When Satan tries to destroy you with lies about who you are, remember whose blood covers you and all sins. There is nothing that you can go through that will make God love you less. He loved you enough to give his only begotten son that we can have eternal life. Jesus overcame the world and He will help you overcome grief. Not every day will be perfect. You will have moments, sometimes out of nowhere that will bring you to your knees. Keep strong, keep holding on and keep trusting God.

Worship the Lord. Do not think that because you are broken you cannot worship. That is a lie from the enemy. Worship brings healing! I listed some of the songs that I have been worshiping to well sometimes ugly crying and worshiping.

Worship Playlist:

Trust in you- Lauren Daigle

Thy Will – Hillary Scott & Thr Scott Family

What a Beautiful Name – (Hillsong) Kari Jobe

You Say – Lauren Daigle

I Am Not Alone – Kari Jobe

Who You Say I am – Hillsong Worship

The Hurt & The Healer – Mercy Me

So Will I – (Hillsong Worship) Tori Kelly

Reckless Love – performed by Steffany Gretzinger

Death…but wait there’s hope!

Death is something we all have to face. We all have an appointment with it and we all will deal with it taking a loved one.

It is okay to be sad, to cry to grieve. It is natural. Jesus himself cried over the loss of his friend. (John 11:35)

I’ve seen my father cry, my uncles, both of my grandpas and many other men and women cry over the loss of someone they loved.

I never experienced what it was like to lose someone I was close to until 2011. I lost 2 people within 5 months of each other that I loved more than anything.

I got married on November 27, 2010. I was originally going to get married on June 11 of 2011. In 2009 my Grandma Nickels found out she had brain cancer as well as the lung cancer. In August of 2010 my Grandma got a report that her cancer was spreading and she decided not to take chemo or radiation. My Dad told me that with her condition and my Grandpa Wagoner’s failing condition that if I wanted them to be at my wedding I needed to have it before the end of the year. So we did. It was stressful putting a wedding together in a few short months but we did it. Both sets of my Grandparents were there. We got family pictures with them and as far as I know it is the last family picture that we have with them.

In January my Grandma’s health took a turn for the worse. June 8, 2011 she passed away peacefully with most of her family around her. My Grandpa was devastated. However, as soon as she passed away, my Grandpa started praising God! He lifted up his hands and said Thank you Lord for taking her home. He knew he’d get to see her again someday. He still misses her and I know that he cannot wait to see her again in Heaven.

October of 2010 my Grandpa fell in his bathroom and suffered some serious injuries. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital. He didn’t get better. His kidneys and other organs began to shut down. He was taken out of ICU on Monday night. He was supposed to go to Hospice but they didn’t think he would make the ride. They transferred him to another room where all of the family could be. My cousin and I went and got donuts for everyone from his favorite donut shop. We also got milk and OJ. All of us talked about the impact he had made on our lives. We said our goodbyes and I love you’s. He made it through the night, so Hospice came and took him to a nice room where he could be comfortable. All of his kids went home to take showers and get some rest. My Dad, my cousins Jennifer, Emily & Kammy and myself got to Hospice before anyone else arrived. Something told me to tell him it was okay. So I leaned over whispered in his ear, “Hey Papaw. It’s Whickemwhacker. I love you. You’re the best Grandpa a girl could ask for. It’s okay for you to go home. We’ll take good care of Grandma. I promise. Do you see all the angels? They’re here to take you to Jesus.” He took his final breath moments later. It was hard to say goodbye but I knew that Heaven was his home.

I became really depressed after he passed away. I felt alone. I had too much death too quick and I had no idea how to handle it. I hadn’t gotten over my Grandma Nickels passing away and now my Grandpa Wagoner was gone too. I dwelt on my sadness and sorrow. I became distant and unhappy. My Mom was staying with my Grandma Wagoner because she couldn’t be alone. Alzheimer’s has a way of taking independence along with many other things. I tried to help where I could with my Grandma and with my parents’ house. It was hard and it was hard seeing my family hurt.

One day something that my Aunt said after my Grandma passed away hit me. We need to pick up the mantle that she left. My Grandma was a prayer warrior. She prayed about everything! Everything! Big or small! She left it in God’s hands because that was the best place it could be. She loved everyone. She helped whoever she could whenever she could. She fed people, clothed them and loved them unconditionally. My Grandpa Wagoner helped people all the time. He gave people jobs, confidence and hope. He loved unconditionally as well. He stayed alive through the hurt and pain just to take care of my Grandma because he didn’t want to burden any of his kids with that.

Both of my Grandparents didn’t let sadness or problems doom them. They got back up and kept going. They wouldn’t want me to let sadness take over. They were true examples of what Christians should be. Now I try to love everyone unconditionally, even when it is hard and when it hurts. I try to show love instead of anger. I try to see situations through others’ eyes so I can understand. I believe that is what my Grandparents would want me to do. It is also what Jesus would want me to do.

I said all that to say this. Take time to grieve. However, don’t stay in that state. When someone you love passes away, pick up that mantle they left behind. Follow Jesus and love unconditionally. I have hope of seeing my Grandma and my Grandpa again someday. They were born again Christians and so am I. There is so much hope in that statement. Being a follower of Christ, we should try to live like Christ. It is easier to do if you have good, Godly examples to follow.

I pray for those who read this blog. I want you to know if you are hurting, God can help you. He can give you strength and carry your burdens.

Love in Christ!

Iva Mae

Mamaw Nickels, Me, Kyle & Papaw Nickels

Memaw Wagoner, Me & Pepaw Wagoner

On another note I’d forgotten how much weight I’d gained before I got married! I’m down like 30lbs from that pic haha