Worshipping Through Grief

photo from boundless.org

Hello,

It has been way too long since I have posted. I am going to do better. Life always seems to get in the way. I am going to share something that is painful. I didn’t want to share it, but I have felt so compelled to share it. I wrote a draft post and refused to look at it again or finish it until now.

A lot has happened since I last posted in February. In August I had surgery to remove endometriosis. I have had pain and problems for years. One of those was infertility. We have been trying to have a baby since 2014. I had a miscarriage in 2015. We were unable to get pregnant after that. We were hopeful that this surgery would allow us to have a baby. It seems the surgery was successful, I’ve not had pain. In October, I found out I was pregnant.

We were so excited! Finally! My husband and I talked about names, we talked about how we were going to move things around to make a nursery, and we talked about how we hoped we would be good parents.

I never thought that another miscarriage was possible. I truly felt this time that we would get to hold our sweet baby! It was due in June of 2019. We even told our family over a special dinner.

I had to have blood tests right away since I have had a miscarriage before. I started to worry. The tests came back with levels too low. Then I had complications and that ended with me having a miscarriage. Even as I type this, the word makes me cringe. My greatest fear came true.

When I first found out that this pregnancy was not going well, I was devastated. Then I was angry and hurt. I remember driving home from work so mad at God, I cried red hot tears. I didn’t understand how He could let this happen. The one thing we have prayed for, for years, finally happened and now it was being ripped away.

After crying out in anger, I felt guilty for getting angry. Then I felt sad. This pregnancy was different than the first one. We had an early ultrasound. I got to see it. My husband and I felt so happy after the ultrasound. Less than a week later the baby was gone.

I was so sure that this time it would be okay. Finding out that the baby was gone, felt like being crushed by boulders. When my Mom dropped us off back home from the hospital, I completely broke. I was and still am heartbroken. I still don’t understand or know why. I just have to trust that this was for the best.

My Dad came and picked me up the next morning and took me to get some coffee and so I could get my car from my parents’ house. He mentioned David and what he did after the death of his child. Once I got home, I read 2 Samuel 12. David’s child with Bathsheba fell ill and died. When he heard that the child died, he got up, washed and anointed himself and went to the house of the Lord and worshiped. His servants were confused with David’s actions. They didn’t understand why when the child was sick David didn’t eat and mourned but when it died, he got up from his grieving bed. I love how David answered them.

2 Samuel 12:22-23 “And he said, while the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, who can tell whether God will be gracious to me that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.”

David did not stay in his grief. He knew that he would see his child again one day. He worshiped God. I have discovered that worship brings comfort. I took time to grieve. The day after I lost the baby, I went to church and was anointed. I wanted to be like David. I asked God at the beginning of this that He would get the glory.

Worship has been the key for me. Knowing God is good even when He doesn’t answer prayers the way we want has been a comfort as well. God is good, even though the things He allows bring me pain. Though he slay me, yet I will trust him. Job 13:15 I don’t understand why, but I chose to trust the Lord. I hope that I can help someone else.

I lost the baby October 27. It has been over a month now. I have my good days and bad days. Thanksgiving was hard and this month has been a little hard as well. We would have gotten to hear a heartbeat this month. Instead of hearing our sweet baby’s heartbeat, I have a broken heart. It is hard to not blame myself. There is a guilt that comes with a miscarriage. You think that there is something wrong with you. You think that if you would done this or not done that it wouldn’t have happened. Sweet friend, these are lies from the enemy to oppress you and destroy you. He wants nothing more than to use your grief as chains to keep you down. Satan wants to make you feel like this is your fault. This is not your fault. That is a lie straight from the pits of hell. These things happen because they just do. It isn’t comforting, but it is the truth. These things happen and we don’t understand why we may not until we get to Heaven.

Friend, if you are going through this or have gone through this, know this is NOT your fault. You are loved. You are not alone. When Satan tries to destroy you with lies about who you are, remember whose blood covers you and all sins. There is nothing that you can go through that will make God love you less. He loved you enough to give his only begotten son that we can have eternal life. Jesus overcame the world and He will help you overcome grief. Not every day will be perfect. You will have moments, sometimes out of nowhere that will bring you to your knees. Keep strong, keep holding on and keep trusting God.

Worship the Lord. Do not think that because you are broken you cannot worship. That is a lie from the enemy. Worship brings healing! I listed some of the songs that I have been worshiping to well sometimes ugly crying and worshiping.

Worship Playlist:

Trust in you- Lauren Daigle

Thy Will – Hillary Scott & Thr Scott Family

What a Beautiful Name – (Hillsong) Kari Jobe

You Say – Lauren Daigle

I Am Not Alone – Kari Jobe

Who You Say I am – Hillsong Worship

The Hurt & The Healer – Mercy Me

So Will I – (Hillsong Worship) Tori Kelly

Reckless Love – performed by Steffany Gretzinger

His Eye is On The Sparrow

His Eye is on the Sparrow by Civillia Martin

Why should I feel discouraged? And why should the shadows come? And why should my heart be lonely? And long for Heaven and home? When Jesus is my portion. My constant friend is he. His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.I sing because I’m happy. I sing because I’m free! His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.

Let not your heart be troubled. His tender word I hear. And resting on His goodness I lose my doubts and fears. Though by the path He leads us but one step I may see. His eye is on the sparrows and I know He watches me. And Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.I sing because I’m happy. I sing because I’m free! His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.

Whenever I am tempted. Whenever clouds arise. When songs give place to sighing. When hope within me dies, I draw closer to Him. From care He sets me free! His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me. His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me. I sing because I’m happy! I sing because I’m free! His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.

I never paid attention to the lyrics of this song. It was one of those songs I never paid attention to at all. I don’t even know how I stumbled across this song and the story. I read the lyrics. REALLY read the lyrics. Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come? Why should my heart be lonely? When Jesus IS my portion and a constant friend is He.

Those words stuck out to me. Why have I been so discouraged when Jesus is my portion. No job, no person, no wealth, no fame and no material thing can make me happy. My joy comes from the Lord. I read the story of how Mrs. Martin wrote the song. She met a sweet old couple, the Doolittles. Both the Doolittles were in bad shape. Mrs. Doolittle had been bedridden for almost 20 years. Mr. Doolittle was wheelchair bound, an incurable cripple. They were both happy Christians even though they had it bad off. Mrs. Martin’s husband commented on the couple’s hopefulness and asked what the secret was. Mr. Doolittle said, His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me. The Martins were touched by the faith and the simpleness of Mr. Doolittle’s answer. His answer inspired the song that Mrs. Martin wrote that night.

I have been feeling so alone and so discouraged. Hearing this song reminded me that I need not be discouraged. I really like the 3rd verse of the song, Whenever I am tempted. Whenever clouds arise. When songs give place to sighing. When hope within me dies, I draw closer to Him. From care He sets me free! When songs give place to sighing really really stuck out to me. I shouldn’t only sing when I am happy. I should sing through the pain, the trials, the sadness, the joy, the happy times and ALL the times because God has given me that capability to sing praises to Him. My Daddy preached a message a couple of weeks ago about this very thing. He said we can’t lose our song.He preached about how he helped me tare up some carpet and how I was singing. He said that I didn’t my song even though I had gone through so much. Our song leader sang His Eye is on the Sparrow and I was so touched. I love when God speaks to me. He speaks to us in many different ways. He speaks to us through His people, like preachers, and He speaks to us through songs. Songs have always spoken to me. I love lyrics. I read them and I try to study them and think about their meanings.

Psalms 100:1 &2 Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands. Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.

I am always singing around the house and in my car. I challenge you to really read the lyrics of your favorite song and to think about the meaning. It will really bless you!

 

Love from above,

Iva Mae

Don’t Give Up

I thought for sure by now that God would have answered my prayers. I don’t even know where to begin with where life has taken me these past few months. I’ve been desperately wanting something. Praying for something and it hasn’t happened.

I was reading my daily devotion today and it was like my eyes were opened it and I felt a peace. I’m reading Elisha: A Tale of Ridiculous Faith in my Bible Ap. I love it! I get something out of every day’s devotion. Today’s was on a miracle of Elisha. 2 miracles happened in this section of scripture I was reading (2 Kings 4:3-37). 1. Elisha told the Shunammite woman she would have a baby 2. Elisha brought the child back to life when he had died.

I’ve read this story many times. I failed to notice that it took Elisha 2x to bring the child back to life. I’ve never noticed that before. The devotional content talked about the fact that it didn’t happen the first time Elisha tried to bring the child back to life. It asked, how many times have we been in Elisha’s position? We’ve prayed and asked God for something knowing that he would do it, but it hasn’t happened yet. It may not happen for months or years. Don’t give up or lose heart! Just because you aren’t successful the first time doesn’t mean that God will not answer your prayer! God knows best and he knows what the best timing would be for what you have asked for.

I have wanted a baby for a long time. When people would ask me when my husband and I were going to have kids, I’d just give the answer that my dog was my baby and he was the only baby I needed. In my heart I was angry that someone would ask. I felt like they were saying I wasn’t whole without a baby but truth was that, that was how I felt. I felt like I wasn’t whole. It has taken me some time to realize that even if I never have  a baby, God makes me whole. It is God who completes me.

A few weeks ago I went to the alter because God was dealing with me about me being angry. I was angry for several reasons. 1. I wanted a baby. 2. I was pregnant but not long after I knew I was I lost it. I didn’t understand why God would take something from me that I wanted so badly. All of my cousins had babies. Most of my friends had them as well and I couldn’t understand why they could but I couldn’t.

I told my Daddy at the alter why I wanted to pray. He said baby, remember Hannah. He anointed me and asked God to give me the desires of my heart. It still has happened yet, but I am not giving up! I haven’t shared this with anyone but my close friends and my immediate family. I hate sharing my feelings because I hate when people feel sorry for you. I hate that! Don’t judge me, it is just the way that I am. I felt compelled to share this because I have read 3 different things about waiting for something that you have asked God for. I think a lot people are in similar situations. They may not be in the exact same situation but are in a waiting period in their lives.

If you are in a waiting period, do not give up. Don’t be angry at God. Realize that He knows what is best for us and in Hid timing our prayers will be answered. For now cling onto that hope from Psalms 37:4. Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

This is the verse I am praying and clinging to.

May God Bless you!

Love from above,

Iva Mae

Romans 12:1

  
Some of you may agree with me and others may not. That is okay. I’m not writing this for a debate or to cause controversy. I am simply writing what is on my heart. 

Romans 12:1 …present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you , which he have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s. 

Lately I have been having some digestive health problems. I learned a few months that when I cut out dairy and meat, I didn’t have problems. I was okay with that but I struggled with it because it made me different than others. I struggle a lot with being different than everyone else. It’s dumb really. I hate sticking out or having attention being drawn on me. It freaks me out! 

I decided the other day I didn’t want to have to eat differently. I wanted to be able to order a pizza, eat it and be okay. My Mom and I were working on the finishing touches of my cousins shower invitations and we were hungry so we ordered a pizza from Papa Johns. It used to be my favorite pizza. I love their breadsticks and garlic sauce. We ordered a small and breadsticks, so we split the pizza and each ate some breadsticks. We finished the invitations and she took me home. ( I walked to her house with my dog because it’s less than a mile) 

When I got home, I got so sick! I was so sick I felt like my insides were dying. I knew why. I ate cheese. It looked so good and it tasted amazing but I knew I shouldn’t have eaten it. I knew it wasn’t good for me. The reason I became Vegan a few months back, was for ,my health. I knew better but I couldn’t resist. 

In the above verses it talks about presenting your body as a living sacrifice and that your body is a temple. I didn’t treat mine that way. I am now suffering the consequences. I am still having a lot of problems and my face has broken out so badly with deep painful pimples. This happens when I eat dairy of any kind. 

I don’t think that by doing something like eating pizza is a sin but I knew what it would do to me and I did it anyway. How many times have we done that with other aspects in life? It looks so good and we know it’s wrong but we do it anyway. Sex before marriage will cause a lot of problems. There is pleasure in sin for a season. Then you have to reap the consequences. 

I have been feeling convicted about the way I treat myself. I haven’t been taking care of myself or loving me. I have been so negative about my body image for gaining weight and have eaten poorly because I was upset about my weight. Really dumb I know.  I need to start looking at myself the way God does and loving myself enough to take care of myself. It’s not easy going Vegan. I struggled with what to eat and what to look for in ingredients. It’s not easy but in the end it will be worth it because it is what is best for me. 

By the way, labels lie. They say dairy free but when you read the ingredients, turns out it has a milk product in it. 

I know this post is very different from what I normally post but I just felt lead to share what I am currently going through  after speaking with a friend today about this. 

I am going to try to start exercising and eating healthier so that I can treat my body the way it deserves to be treated. After all our bodies are to be presented as a living sacrifice and those who are saved, are the temples of the Holy Ghost. 

I will try to be more diligent with posts. My lap top is broken and I don’t have a computer so I am using my iPad and I hate typing posts with this thing!  Hopefully one day I can replace my lap top. 

Love from above,

Iva Mae ❤

Broken </3

We hear the word broken and typically the first thing that comes to mind is – “How are we gonna fix it?” or “How are we going to replace it?”

We have broken cars, washers, refrigerators, lawn mowers, plumbing, bones, lives, families, hearts, dreams  and homes.

What is the actual definition of broken? Is it something so far gone that it cannot be fixed? It is something meant to be left broken or is it meant to be fixed?

According to Oxford Dictionary Broken is:

1. having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order:

synonyms: smashed · shattered · fragmented · splintered · crushed

1. (a person) having given up all hope; despairing:synonyms: defeated · beaten · subdued · demoralized · dispirited

So broken is something damaged. It can be something that isn’t whole (one piece), It can be shattered, crushed, smashed or splintered. It can be something that no longer works. It can even be someone who has given up.

Recently my husband and I both have broken bones. I broke my toe and he broke his finger. I was angry when I broke my toe. I was so angry. It was an accident. Accidents happen but I didn’t want something like that to happen to me. I have too many things to do and I couldn’t walk as fast and could barely walk at all. I thought how could something so small cause me so many problems? My husband went roughly through the same thing. He couldn’t put his boots on or take them off. He found himself frustrated that he wasn’t physically able to do something. Both of us have had a lot of physical pain associated with these breaks.

I found myself really behind on my housework, laundry, dishes and everything else. My house was a mess and still kind of is. All of that got me thinking about how our bodies work. My toe is a small member of my body but when it is broken, my entire body and life suffers. The same goes with the body of Christ. When a member is broken, no matter how small, it is noticeable and until there is healing the whole body will suffer.

When a person is broken that doesn’t mean we need to fix them or that they are no longer worth saving. Jesus came to save the world and provide healing to those who are broken. God tells us so in His word. Isiah 53:5 “He was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.”

When we are broken we need rest. We need God to pick up the pieces and make them whole again. Our church had a revival a few weeks ago. I was only able to make it to one night. The night I went, the preacher preached about being broken by things we allow into our lives and by circumstances. He had a flower pot and spun it around in his hands and threw it up and caught it. He said we allow more and more things into lives and we let our vessel get loose. The next thing you know your vessel ends up so loose that it falls from your hands and breaks. He threw the pot behind him and it broke into many pieces. He said you can try and try to pick up the pieces but you can’t. He also said you can’t be used when you are a broken vessel. God won’t use a broken vessel. (One reason when members of the body of Christ are broken the whole body suffers)

The only way to get whole again is to get down on your knees and ask God to heal you and forgive you and to help you. He got down on his knees as he said this. He said God will pick up your pieces and he will put you back together again. He held up a new pot for us all to see what God can do with our lives and vessels.

At the time I was struggling with many things and I felt so convicted over his message. I had been broken for a long time and had not gone to God for my healing. The preacher went on to say that we could have broken marriages, lives, vessels, witnesses, homes whatever and that God would heal it. I felt so overwhelmed with the Holy Spirit telling me to go to the alter and ask for forgiveness and healing. I am glad that I did because I walked away feeling whole again. I walked away with hope and with a renewed heart and soul.

Sometimes we have to be broken to be made whole. God can make you whole. He can restore you and revive you. He will pick up your pieces and put you back together. It may be painful. The healing may be a process like the healing of a broken bone, but don’t give up!!! Keep praying, keep reading, keep trusting and keep the faith!

Whatever is broken in your life whether it be; your marriage, your heart, your life, your mind, your spirit, your witness, your finances, your body – come to Jesus and ask for a healing. If you’ve let sin slip into your life, come to Jesus. He will give you healing and forgiveness.

I always feel awkward writing a prayer but I need to do what is on my heart.

God,

I ask that you speak to the hearts of those who read this. I ask that you would provide healing in whatever aspect of life that it is needed. I ask you to give them a renewal of their hearts, souls and minds. I thank you for what you’ve done and what you will do. I ask that you flood each person’s life who reads this with your love. God we know you are exceeding and able to do all things and we know that you will. I ask that if someone is reading this and they used to be on fire for you that you would stir up their hearts and start a fire in them again. I ask you to give peace and comfort and joy to those who are without it. Lord we ask that if there is someone reading this who doesn’t know you, that they will come to know you. Use us Lord and let us be your vessels. I ask all these things in your name, Amen.

My hope for you is that you will come to the well that never goes dry and that you will get what you need.

Love from above,

Iva Mae